I always appreciate praise and admiration—sometimes I think I'm addicted to them—but sometimes praise and admiration give me an uneasy feeling.
I tried to explain that feeling to a friend. But I couldn't really make any sense of it.
I thought about it for a while. My first thought was: Maybe I'm just wrapped too tight to accept a compliment in the spirit in which it was offered. My second thought was: Maybe I'm so stuck up that I have to discount honest praise from others.
Either of those two thoughts might be accurate. However, I'm inclined to dig a little deeper.
In my working life, I've often found myself humming a favorite Dylan anthem of my adolescence, particularly this verse:
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I try my best
To be just like I am,
But everybody wants you
To be just like them.
They say “sing while you slave” and I just get bored.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Of all the privileges I enjoy today—and there are many—the most valuable to me is the privilege to be just like I am. That, more than anything else, has made being self-employed worthwhile.
But what does it really mean “to be just like I am”? And how does that idea square with the intention to be like a pebble in the stream, to become molded and rounded by rushing waters—a thought on which I meditate often?
Trying to think through that conundrum, I happened on a possible reason for my occasional uneasy feelings about praise.
Actually, I'm not conflicted about getting praise for anything I
do or
accomplish.I do get uneasy when labeled with an inherent value or characteristic, whether presumably positive, like being articulate or thin, or presumably indifferent, like being tall or bald.
Because characteristics and labels seem somehow to trivialize the personal history or process that is still in motion.
Now, that history or process might be self-generated, through long habit or practice or study or exercise or other self-cultivation. Or not—history and process can be evolution and happenstance, like the pebble in the stream.
Either way, it's not a static, fixed attribute. It's the the process still in motion, and not any fixed characteristic, that makes me just like I am.